I can do it!

 The last time I update this blog, I was praying so desperately for God to keep me busy. He heard me and grant it, BOM! I wasnt even get to breath right now. Be careful of what you prayed honey. Everyday I wake up now, I just wish that this is some kind of dream, but its not. I went out and about trying TO LIVE only to shit myself. I am HELL tired, I sleep tired, wake up even more tired that ever! I was wrong Ya Allah i was wrong, pls ease it for me. Make me stronger to face this cause I know You would not put me in this state if I am strong enough. 

This is everything I wanted, the training session, the project that can give me the leap, the busy schedule. Everything minus the stress but I realized we could not pick only the goodness, we must also bear whatever come with it. I had to write this out because right now my body is shaking so hard I think it hard to breath. I am so overwhelmed with everything. But I know I can do this. I can, Sue we can. The mind is so powerful that we could do everything we want to. If we can dream of it, we can do it. Come on sue, this is not Sue. 

You are never the one who spend days complaining. You feel tired because you did not allow your mind to have a short break. You can do this you, come on you know you can. Do it sue, do it. Those who worked hard will be rewarded remember? So do it. Ya Allah I was wrong and I know this is a lesson You wanted to teach me, I am sorry. Pls forgive me and please have mercy on me. 

I nak busy

Ya Allah, sue sedih sangat. Sedihhhh sangat! Hahaha sedih sangat walaupun sedih ni datang dari diri sendiri gak. I haven’t talked to my fiance for quite sometime. We do talk but we aren’t talking, you get it? It making me sad that he could do it without me. I mean wtf am i even here? I rasa cam banyak gila benda yang i belum bagitahu dia. But i guess, we both didn’t care about it. Haritu i cam rasa overwhelmed sangat sebab subhanallah i busy sangat! It kept me uptight, always on the go. Always having to do something! I penat, tapi i happy. Now that i talk a step back and let me live. Tapi jadi camni plak 😂

Do I expecting too much? Ya Allah, pls. Kasi i busy sangat sampai i takde rasa langsung nak nangis or sedih. Biar i busy cari duit, limpahkan la rezeki sue ya Allah. Dengan masa yang sue spend untuk bisnes and kerjaya sue, limpahkan la rezekimu ke atas ku. Biar sue tidur dalam kepenatan. Biar takde satu benda pun yang boleh menyakiti sue ya Allah, walaupun end up sue akan sunyi. Tapi biarlah sue busy, dari sedih macam ni. And keep him busy too, so we wouldn’t even realized that we just stop relying on each other. 

Of being positive

Pernah tak? Rasa cam nak give up sangat sangat but you holding on. Trying to keep up with the positivity, you feel okay but your energy’s draining. Cam you spend all of your energy to stay positive.... 😂

And then you just fall, and fail. And sad.

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Right now, i feel like a loser 🤣

A real pathetic one hahaha.

Sad. 

Of being upset

When i get upset... i have this bad habit of getting away, nak lari, nak diam. Mostly cause I’m sad, I know that if i dont walk away, i may hurt somebody. I say things I regretted later, and then I hate myself. Terlintas dalam kepala tadi, aku nak busy la pasni. So i dont have to think of silly things. Things that hurt and annoyed me. So I dont have to beg for attention and i dont need to pay attention to petty stuff. Tapi tak cukup busy ke aku selama ni? Nak ada masa baring baring sebelum tidur pun susah. Kalau tambah busy lagi taktahu la cemana.

When i get upset... i rather not talk, than fight. I rather cry it to sleep, than hating myself for saying things i didnt mean. Maybe its better that way, so nobody walk away from me. Mind you, im a mess. And if another person who is dear, to leave me.... i have no words for that. My head hurts and i wanna cry so bad. But thats better than anything else. Goodnight.

Cheer for more silence and crying to sleep.

Xx sue